From time to time, I share personal aspects of my life with you. But I often stop myself from going too far down. For starters, I try to live by “less is more” especially in content. But also the inner marketer in me quietly says — put your readers first.
But today I want to get very personal with you and that means that I want to provide a trigger warning for the content below. Topics touching on trauma, suicide, and narcissistic relationships will be mentioned. If it is not the time to read that, please skip this month's Contentment Corner. I will say that I wrote a more censored version on my blog if you’re still curious.
Why this matters:
Our wounds often form our path. But as we progress and heal further away from our wounds, we no longer vibrate in that low state. We no longer feel that wounded self.
Personally, I’ve been on this journey for some time now so my groundedness and calm demeanor are often people’s first impression of me, and it may come off as this was always me. I don’t say this to boast about myself but to reflect that my Wounds are what make me, me though. While I’ve actively chosen to let them go and become something else — it led me toward my healing path. I don’t want to forget where I started and I feel so incredibly grateful for this journey.
So here we go…
Think back on your 23 self. Where were you? What were you up to? For me at 23, I was quitting my stable job, the job I studied for in college with absolutely no plan what to do next. Nada.
I was a fresh-faced accountant in the bustling financial district of San Francisco, and on track to become a certified public accountant (CPA). Basically making a lot of money, at least for that age.
On the outside: I was doing the motions of what “success” was. On the inside: lost, so deeply sad, and mistreated by many relationships.
But the moment I started practicing yoga, unconsciously, something shifted in me. I quit that job without a doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do.
Living a yogic life doesn’t always mean learning more poses, although the poses are so fun and I still love practicing them to this day! Here’s the truth…
The yogic path wasn’t meant for me though
None of this yoga or mindfulness stuff was part of my upbringing. In fact, it often felt like the opposite. Life was saying, how much disconnection can we put your way? While making you super sensitive to it all.
How about we amp up feeling invisible and unloved? And how unaware can we make your parents of your emotional needs?
Even to this day, my family doesn’t quite understand this yogic path. My parents were amazing providers, both immigrants from El Salvador. They worked their ass off to create the “American Dream” which they so beautifully achieved.
But at the young age of 12, I tried to commit suicide from all this pain. A vertical scar lives on my left wrist, which I actually forget it’s even there. It’s a part of me. Until someone curiously points it out. I have different stories I share when I get asked because not everyone needs to know my past.
To top off those teenage years, I was entering the age of dating. And given that I had no idea what healthy relationships were, what looked like a meaningless teenage romance ended up being an 8-year narcissistic nightmare. Filled with years of emotional and mental abuse, tearing down my sparkly self.
I was a cheerleader around that time, and I just had that bubbly energy that fit the script of a cheerleader. But the more this person tore me down, the less I was able to show up, I couldn’t do the stunts anymore and eventually, I quit the squad.
A Shift in Consciousness
And so I carried all this with me, into my 20s, never had therapy or support for my suicide attempt. And not a huge conversation at home about it from parents.
No guidance on relationships either. So what happened after that 8-year one ended, you might wonder? I entered another one with not many redeeming qualities but in my naive mind felt drastically different that what I knew.
I was basically emotionally fending for myself. Deep down I knew something needed to change but my state of depletion, low self-esteem from emotional abuse, and just overall sadness — there was no way out.
Practicing yoga set in motion a shift in my consciousness
Jan - April is the busy season in accounting so they offered us yoga classes to make up those crazy hours.
Walking down the low-lit stairwell toward the basement gym felt like a “safer” way to explore yoga than walking into a studio. Just me and a few colleagues versus an entirely new experience.
I remember Lauren, our teacher, unfolding her mat. A former dancer, she was tall and elegant and so so patient with us.
We were stiff accountants after all so the concept of “flow” was like asking a deaf person to listen.
Even just that first class, I was hooked.
I immediately Googled her.
Devoured the studio website she worked at.
Clicked on every photo and description. My mind swirled,
What is this weird pose she’s in — lying down with her feet together, thighs apart (I now know this as supine bound angle pose)? And why is one hand on her heart and one on her belly?
The concept of providing this type of touch to oneself was foreign to me and looked odd at the time.
I was so confused about how these simple movements had me feeling…happy.
And you know what? It awakened a dormant desire for something more meaningful and fulfilling than that “turmoil-conventional” path I was on.
The decision to quit my job arose effortlessly, I quit that job without a doubt in my mind it was the right thing to do.
Beyond the Poses
While the physical aspect of yoga initially captivated me with its challenging and discipline aspect to it, over the years I’ve discovered that living a yogic life means much more.
I started getting curious about how I could draw outside the lines of everyday life.
Slowly, liberating myself from those awful unhealthy relationships, deep sadness, depression, and blackout nights drinking. Those were constants in my then-life.
It’s hard to think back on that era of my life because I know in my bones that I have become something else.
Not to say that I don’t get sad and depressed because I most certainly do but it feels different when they enter my body now. Whereas before it felt like there was no shifting away from that mode.
It was a journey of self-discovery, seeking to uncover what truly lit me up from within.
Embracing Creativity
Once I quit I went back to Los Angeles to live with my parents. Little did I know that LA was the mecca of yoga. World-renowned teachers come out from here and I am so grateful this was in my path.
Almost immediately I enrolled in a yoga teacher training in Pacific Palisades, which I paid for with most of my savings. But this was also a time when I handcrafted goods and sold them on Etsy. Took up a painting class with my friend. Read books on the beach without a 7 am-7 pm job to tend to.
Still unknown what I wanted “to do with my life,” I just kept thinking, I want to help people, so applying to grad school for public health felt like a good avenue.
But what yoga began to uncover very slowly to me was I needed to help myself first.
The Evolving Teacher
On my first study-trip to India, I met my first therapist, Jessica, an American-born therapist and yogi who moved to India to study Vedic Psychology from one of the most well-respected gurus in Vrindavan. I was 29 at the time.
So, 17 years after I tried ending it all, and the first time I finally got to share it with someone. But that wasn’t even the reason I asked for her support, interestingly I was trying to fix my parent’s relationship and nothing about me lol 🤦🏽♀️
Years have passed now, and I continue to practice and study like that fresh 23-year-old.
While the way or amount of time I spend teaching yoga has evolved, my commitment to living a yogic path remains steadfast. I’ve let go of the desire to make money from teaching yoga; it has become a means to share my experiences, knowledge, and growth with others.
That doesn’t mean I don’t want to get paid when I do teach. Teachers most certainly should get compensated for their work! But that’s another story for another time.
Living Outside the Lines
Drawing life outside the lines has been defined by my yogic path. I credit yoga for providing me with a new lens on life.
I credit yoga for the unwavering resilience it provides me, paving the way for a curious lifestyle that has taken me to live in 7 vibrant cities (8, if I include my beloved hometown of LA). Travel the world. Meet amazing humans everywhere. Explore so many career paths not involving accounting — full-time teacher, social scientist, researcher, corporate wellness, sales representative, marketer, and entrepreneur. My business is called OMM, continuing to encapsulate my passion for this yogic path.
And I found a person in grad school that I share my life and adventures with. A relationship that has allowed me to heal past those unhealthy narcissistic-codependent days that I was constantly in before my yogic path.
This is it, right?
And while I really want to arrive and feel like this version of me or this version of my career has landed. My inner Self knows that there’s more to come. That I won’t ever land.
That another layer is about to get uncovered. In some ways, this is once again the beginning. My wounds still live within, and I know that my mind can still get to those dark places.
But the layers of my yoga practice feel like protection in some ways. They’ve got me. I’ve got me now.
Let the Doors of Perception Open You Up
While yoga might not be for everyone, we all have this Inner Knowing within us of what feels True. And what our best next step is. As young and naive as I was at 23, she still knew something needed to shift.
I’ll also add that having a corporate job is not a bad thing! So much of what I see now is about quitting your job and doing the job “you love .” And I kind of allude to that in my journey. But I think that line of thinking can also be toxic.
As I’ve progressed on this path, I realized that it’s not necessarily about how I make money in this lifetime but more about that continual process of my yogic path and whether I’m making money aligned with my values.
I hope a part of my story inspires you to continue on your unique path and embrace the beauty of this continuous evolution that is you!
Triumphant as a Wounded Warrior,
Radiant Self: Illuminating Your Path
Join me at 6:00pm CT/7:00 pm ET Monday, 17 July for a free live class on Insight Timer. You might be able to watch from your computer and not even download the app. Watch the video above for a quick explanation.
It’s the new moon on Monday and a great time to set your intentions. Step into your radiant self. Plus celebrate with me a milestone of 100+ followers on Insight Timer! For me, that’s a big deal. Grateful for this community and excited to continue to offer more classes and recordings there :) RSVP here.
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